Embracing Sacred Self-Care
Insights for the Catholic Mom | Denise Jelinek: How Catholic Moms can see themselves as God sees them, recognize what is holy self-care for moms and rebuild their self-image as a Daughter of our Heavenly Father.
In this episode, Kelsey interviews Denise Jelinek about the concept of a sacred self-image and the importance of self-care for women. Denise emphasizes the need for women to prioritize their own well-being and recognize their unique value and purpose. She explains how societal influences and external expectations often lead to self-neglect and offers practical steps to develop a healthier self-image.
Denise highlights the significance of tuning into one's feelings and needs as a starting point for self-care. She introduces a five-day challenge, encouraging listeners to ask themselves two questions throughout the day: "What am I feeling?" and "What do I need?" This simple exercise helps individuals become more aware of their emotions and real needs, separate from self-sabotaging behaviors such as overeating or excessive phone use.
The conversation delves into the root causes of self-neglect, such as society's emphasis on external measures of success and the avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. Denise encourages listeners to embrace their quirks and explore their unique qualities, acknowledging that each person has a specific role and purpose in the world. By understanding and valuing themselves, women can better care for others and live a more fulfilling life.
The episode concludes with practical suggestions for fostering a healthier self-image, including engaging in introspection, practicing stillness and reflection, and inviting the Lord into the journey. Denise invites listeners to write a letter to themselves, expressing God's love and perception of their unique qualities. She also encourages individuals to create moments of stillness, where they can ask the Lord for guidance and gain insight into their true selves.
To learn more about Denise Jelinek and her work with emotional eating and weight loss, visit her website at turntogodnotfood.com.
Key Points:
- Self-care is essential and aligns with the Lord's teachings.
- Society's focus on external measures leads to self-neglect.
- Tuning into one's feelings and needs is crucial for self-care.
- A five-day challenge: Ask yourself, "What am I feeling?" and "What do I need?"
Kelsey
Denise, thank you so much for joining us today. I just wanted to tell you, I absolutely loved the article you wrote for Catholic mom.com. And I wanted to ask you, because that article, it was, it was all about self care. But it was so beautifully Catholic. And I think in this world, we get all these confusing messages about what self care is, whether it's selfish. And can you explain a little bit about your ideas behind that your ideas of what a sacred self image really
Denise
looks like? Yeah, okay, so a sacred. So first of all, thank you so much for having me, Kelsey, it is so awesome to share the truth. With your listeners, you just said that. I mean, we get so jumbled up in the secular world. And we get so confused, that we don't actually hear the Lord's truth. So it's so beautiful to have this platform, so that he can speak through us so that they can hear what he really wants them to know. Because self care is exactly what the Lord asks us to do. And before I answer what self image is, I want you guys to know, that second to loving the Lord, our number one job on this earth, is to take care of one person first. And that person is ourselves. You know, so often we're busy momming and wasting and neighboring in doddering. And we forget that the daughter, mom, the wife needs to make sure that she's been cared for and loved and tended to you guys, I'm not talking about luxury, or doting on ourselves, just talking about getting our basic needs met. Heck, I'm just talking about recognizing that we have basic needs, really just seeing ourselves. And I know at the end of the podcast, we'll talk about how we can start to grow in that and some action steps for that. But I just wanted to let you know that second to loving our Lord, he has entrusted the care of you. To you. Who has he entrusted the care of you to not your husband, not your parents anymore. He's interested, whew. It's one of our missions in life is to take care of our minds and our bodies. It's really holy work.
Kelsey
I completely agree with you, I think, you know, and the Lord says, for us to love our neighbor as our selves. Well, right there, it's just written in right there, that we are also supposed to love ourselves. Because then what standard are we holding for how we love our neighbor?
Denise
Yeah. And we're gonna talk I know a little bit about the roots of self neglect, which, you know, that's kind of where so many women, Catholic and non Catholic are living right now. And so, in general, what is self images? It's just kind of the way you view yourself. You like, what do you know about you? And in the secular world, we might start saying, look, what labels would you put on yourself? And I find that so often, what we view of ourselves, you know, initially, is taught to us by our parents, and then informed by society. So it's very interesting that I was a music major for a semester. And I still think I'm a great piano player. I've played piano since college, you know, significantly. But I still believe I'm a great piano player, even though I'm really, you know, I'm mediocre at best. But I think that what we grow up with, we start to just believe, and you guys can think of it right now. Like, what are some of the labels? And how would you describe yourself some of the things that are really like our strengths, we call them our strengths, organized? You know, I'm a great cook. I'm kind epistatic. So there's all these things? Sure. Yeah. I'm good at that. And then some of the labels aren't some of our shinier sides like, fine. You know, I'm a really impatient mom. Personally, Denise Jelinek is not the best. So that's what our self images, but the coolest part about self image is that at any point, you can change it. And you can hold survey that, you guys it's not written in your DNA, as in general the self image, but what we as Catholics believe is written in our DNA is this sacred self image and what is sacred self image edge, a sacred self image is pretty much what the Lord sees when he looks at us. But I'm gonna tell you, I'm still uncovering what this is. Because it can be a lot to sort through, because you're right, we do have all these internalized ideas. And looking at ourselves, the way the Lord looks at us take so much peeling off of those layers to get down to it to the way He formed us in the way he loves us. When I look at, say, peeling off of layers, but let's be honest, what does that really cost us, I'm gonna tell you what it costs his friends, than a class to quiet and space and time, you're not going to know what your sacred self image is, if you don't give it the time, attention, and silence for him to speak to us. And for years, you know, as a convert, especially, I didn't even know this was a thing. And I never intentionally started to look at my self image, My sacred self image, probably until the last year, but I did start to get to know, come in tune that, hey, maybe the Lord sees me different ly than I see myself. And I couldn't internalize it, or even personalize it, until I started to have a deeper relationship with him. And I'm gonna tell you about the things that get in the way of that in a minute. But, you know, here's kind of what I see the aspects of what is sacred self images, is just going to the Lord and be like, hey, what do you see? In me? Out? Are you uniquely create me? Where have you made me? irreplaceable? Because you all know that there's no one on this earth created like you. Okay, so that's kind of cheesy, we've all heard that. But the more profound truth is that there was no one else created in this in your new world at any time, that can perform, if you will, the intricate function that you have been designed to do in the Lord's Kingdom, like, you're looking at this crazy jigsaw puzzle. And then there's you do that little piece over there. And if that's how unique you are, because you can when there's one piece missing from a puzzle, it's like, you just look at the one piece. But that's how you that's how we all are, in that slide. Raizy to think that that's how special and chosen and cherished and precious we are like,
Kelsey
you know, I think you're so right, Denise about just one of the reasons why this is so hard, is that it does take that stillness, and that chance to have quiet and to contemplate. And I think in today's world that is such an alien concept, like what do we do? Like, let's say you have a quiet moment, or not, maybe necessarily you but so many of us, we have a quiet moment, what's the first thing we do a couple of weeks pick up our phone. And and we don't spend time just in that stillness in reflection in thinking. Instead, what we're doing is we're scrolling, and so often looking at other people's lives, and that instead of just giving us a chance to even begin to work through all these things, is bombarding us with the things that are actually so painful, that make us feel even less or even more inadequate than so many than what we could do if we were looking just at our lives and just viewing ourselves in the Lord's eyes.
Denise
Absolutely. I truly believe that one of the fastest ways to get to know the Lord is to get to know ourselves. And the only way to get to know ourselves. And what I mean by that is thoughts. What are you feeling right now? Oh my gosh, I just picked up my phone. just becoming aware of ourselves. Let's find mean by ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, I
Kelsey
think there's there's a lot to be said for that because humility. Humility has to start with accurate self knowledge and our relationship to God, knowledge of God and knowledge of ourselves in respect to him. and humility. Is that path to understanding our Lord? Yep.
Denise
What Denise,
in your opinion leads to the self neglect that I think is just. It's so common. Women have such a hard time figuring out how to do basic self care. And I think you know, we get we get some what confused on to what that looks like,
what do you think leads to this distorted balance,
Kelsey
this balance that is not quite right in our lives.
Denise
I love that word distorted, distorted, because that's how simple and peaceful the Lord's teachings are. Because when we feel division and confusion, or lack of balance, or distortion, let's look at what is the truth. And I truly believe that the roots of self neglect start, because we live in a world where everything is very outward focused, very external, external, external, and that's what we're taught. We're taught some basic hygiene. We're taught how to foster our hobbies and our interests. And you know, how can we use your strengths, and use them for this organization or use them in school or grade, we are always looking at those external measures. Then as we get older, we learn life skills, money, home management, cooking, everything that we are taught can be measured. Practice, seen Kel touched something that you can check off a box. Our world has now made God's instead of the lord of productive activity and efficiency. And you know, that's true. Everybody listening here, including Denise Jelinek, because sometimes hugest get, I can tell you, I've used my to do list as my little g god been like, Let's go amazing. I am. Look at all the stuff I got done. It is so true.
Kelsey
We put productivity I mean, this is this goes back as far as the Tower of Babel, like, productivity has become our God. And I think especially in the post Industrial Revolution era, this is this is our measure of self worth. This is what do you contribute?
Denise
Yeah, absolutely. So it, there's a couple of things I really believe, like I said, our God, that productivity and efficiency have led us to not even consider Wait, the unseen is worth tapping into your feeling our beliefs or values, ourselves. So what are we taught when kids fall down and scrape their knees? Oh, my gosh, you're okay. And so you know why there was this instance, where we had a situation yesterday where my son made a mistake. And historically, when he makes a mistake, he has this stress response, where he just, you know, he's processing it himself. Anyway, that's really uncomfortable for my husband to see. And he always wants to be like, Oh, buddy, come here. Like, it's totally buyers. Like, to like Stein, if you will, the whole process. But he's just working through his feelings, and then we can talk about his feelings later on. And later on, I can be like, Oh, you felt like you? You know, you made a mistake. It was a total accident, but it still feels like you disappointed us. Right? Just trying to help him name his feelings. But we don't have to stop him from actually feeling it. Yeah. Well, I want you to know, you didn't disappoint us. But I can see why you think that. So I think more now we're teaching kids how to be in tune with their feelings. But so often, all of us moms, we usually are very uncomfortable around other people. Not feeling happy, or comfortable. Especially especially our husbands. Right? Yeah, our husbands, they're supposed to
Kelsey
be always in a great mood and high energy and ready to just, you know, spread joy to the families,
Denise
obviously. So I think that on a on a personal level, we're never taught to tune into our feelings, we push them down. Eliminate, there's this
Kelsey
there's this like visceral response, especially we were raised in an environment that couldn't hold space for those that somehow feeling them feeling our feelings. It might be dangerous in some way. Yes.
Denise
And so the natural thing that happens for all of your listeners who don't know anything much about thought work, is when we have a feeling and we push it down to create space between ourselves in the feeling we buffer and we buffer with activities that are typically very self sabotaging. Things like eating, drinking, scrolling. So you guys, that's the reason that you pick up your phone. Number one, it's out of habit. But number two, silence feels so uncomfortable. So we just pick up our phone, because then we don't have to deal with the silence. Because everybody who's listening to this, try for like, I don't know, 10 minutes to not pick up your phone, have a 60 seconds, because any uncomfortable feeling we have, we do something with it, we create some sort of movement. And then what happens is that we numb out with some sort of self sabotaging behavior, eating, drinking, scrolling, yelling at the kids, so we're not actually addressing the real need that we have, did you hear me or not addressing the real need, which we have, which sometimes just means I'm acknowledging my feelings, and I'm feeling them, that's my real need, is to just sit with myself. But that's uncomfortable. So I get into this cycle of self sabotage. And then now we're starting to gain weight, we see ourselves doing behaviors we don't like, we feel horrible about it. And then to make ourselves feel better, we create distance between ourselves and that uncomfortable feeling, which we buffer more, and then we feel more horrible. So we get into this cycle. And what's so interesting is that we get into this cycle of not feeling great about the way that we're living. And the route is we're just neglecting ourselves. But are this the secular answer? Is what I love this? The secular answer is to look at the buffering activities. Oh, well, I'm just going to stop scrolling, oh, I'm just gonna go on a diet, oh, I'm just only going to have one glass of wine. So to write, so we look at the buffering activity. But that's not the problem. The problem is, is that we're not willing to sit in our discomfort, or just acknowledging what our feelings are. So I can go on any sort of diet, I can make whatever rules, right, I'm only going to pick up my phone, you know, for 20 minutes, you can make whatever rule you want. But it's still not addressing the real need, which is, you just need to be seen and cared for and tend to do your real needs. Right. And if we don't do that, then that just leaves that vacuum that needs to be filled with something else, because we're still, it's unresolved. So I want to give you all a little gift. And that is one of the things that helps women start to meet their own needs, and tune in with themselves. It's a five day challenge. And you ask yourself two questions. Are you guys ready? Everybody? The two questions. So how can you like get out of the cycle? Because like you said, he's gonna be the heel. So let's don't worry about the scrolling, the eating the drinking, or whatever you're doing that you don't love. And just add something new, because our brains love to do something. So the two questions that you're going to ask yourself, at least three to five times a day, I do have women I've worked with who set an hourly timer. So you ask yourself two questions. The first question is, if what I'm feeling, and you can just get a scrap piece of paper and write it down. And you know what, it's funny, because in the beginning, you're gonna be like, I don't even know. Just put a question mark, totally fine. Your job is just to ask yourself the question, you don't have to have a great answer. A little hack, though, is you can google feelings, we'll it'll have like these big sections that are like, angry, happy, sad, something, something. And then it goes that's in the center. And then it gets more descriptive and the next circle, and that gets even more descriptive, so you can get more specific. And here like, I feel happy. Well, what do you mean by happy? optimistic? Oh, like hopeful. So you can kind of get to that point. Yeah, I'm feeling hopeful. Okay, so that's your first question. And then your second question is, what do I need? And again, in the beginning, you're gonna be like, I have no idea. Question mark is ingredients are. And the other thing I want to tell everyone is you don't have to actually what you you're asking your brain, what do I need? What is your brain think would be awesome right now or a good solution to wherever you're feeling? Or you're just it doesn't have to be attainable. So what do I need? You might be like, I need a mocha. That doesn't mean you're gonna get one for like another five hours or something like that. I remember when I started doing this. I would be like, I really need that person to call me back. I've got to find out as they're able to drive my son. Now I've already left a message, I've done everything I can do. But in my brain, I really would need an eight I really want an answer to feel calm, because I was feeling very uncertain at that. So the point is, is that you go through your day, and you ask yourself, what do I feel? What do I need? And I love the what do I need? Because so often because I work with emotional eaters, so often, women automatically turn to grabbing something to put in their mouth, gum eyes, you know, food, snacks. But when they ask themselves, what do I need? It's usually something like I need a sweatshirt, because I'm freezing. I need somebody that to quiet my son, I need to find that pacifier. Like I need something. And they start to recognize that it isn't food.
Kelsey
And is that just sort of trying to pinpoint what that like that root thing is that's bothering them? That's the core of the anxiety. You know what it's not,
Denise
it's really just, it's really just to start getting them to know themselves. Mm hmm. You guys, there's no miracle thing that's going to happen. You're all you're doing is you're asking yourself the questions and then you let the Lord reveal what he wants you to know. Yes, it
sounds really constructive to like, I think it's it's such a good positive first step. And where do you think that mothers who are in this process of trying to heal their self image, how can they how can they take this a little bit further into their life? And what does that process really look like?
Yeah, so I definitely think on on a fun challenge for yourself, do this as a five day challenge. Do it for up to two weeks. But then you get to start looking at what I like to call widening my humaneness. And that is starting to stop living on autopilot. On Autopilot because it's only our humaneness that's living on autopilot. And I won't get into humaneness, but I love saying that and to be like, Oh, I really only want this because I have a human body. Oh, I because it's just it helps me separate me from the sacred and divine. Like, oh, this is So Denise. This is so part of Denise. This is just my humaneness being really loud. Of course, I want to look like the good soccer mom. Of course, I want to have like the best snacks. Okay, I just want to point that out. Like, that's how my humaneness comes up.
Kelsey
I really love that you're holding space for that too. Because when we, when we're going through this work, and we're trying to build our self image in a positive way, it can be so easy to fall into judgment. And then when we do that, when we're judging ourselves in those things that bubble up. We can't process them anymore, because we're trying to push them away, right? Yeah,
Denise
yes, you guys, this is all a process. I promise you that when you get to live as you're fully united self to yourself and the Lord, which happens very infrequently for me, but when it does, it's exhilarating.
But I was thinking about what you were just saying, too, because I remember reading the practice of the presence of God. And for those of you who don't know, this is a book that was done in a series of interviews with someone named Brother Lawrence, who was very good at practicing the presence of God being with him, kind of just inviting him in all the time into his day. And he had this thing he would do where every time he realized he had a flaw, he would just turn to God and say, Of course I do, Lord, how could I do otherwise without you? And just I feel like that is such a it's a healthy thought that we can bring into this whole process that helps to keep us grounded. Of course we have these things this humaneness. Yes, you and how could
we do otherwise without our Lord? Men? It is so yes. And the Lord has such a great sense of humor. And I am so serious. So I love that. Thank you Kelton. Yes, of course. So on a serious side, or how I like to do this is be like, hey, Lord, what's jury me for? I love asking him questions. And I don't I don't pressure myself to have answers. But once we open up questions and this is how the human brain works to is when we ask a question, our brains will start to look for the answers so when we say wow did the Lord you need We create meat, like no one else is like me in this way. And so for example, Denise, like I love journaling, and love fruit punch flavored things. I like pink, like, what are all these like super unique things about you? And no one really understands I really peppermint. I love really fluffy warms thoughts. So all of these things that are just about you. And so you just start to appreciate the Lord made us so uniquely. And I love not having to be like serious about like, at least being one of my quirks. Right?
Kelsey
I think one of the things that that can help with this too, like when we look at our children, we do this all the time, right? Like we love seeing their quirks, we embrace those.
Denise
Can we do that with ourselves? That childlike wonder. I also like asking him, Where am I irreplaceable? When you're replaceable, and you place the first place you're here in place the ball is to know. Nobody else. I love saying this to people, nobody else is going to fill up your water bottle. Nobody else is gonna make you lunch. Nobody else is gonna give you a shower. Nobody is going to put in your favorite lip gloss. Nobody else is going to put lotion on your elbows. Nobody else can do that for you. And he was if he were here. And you are his hands. You guys, when we don't take care of ourselves, who are we thinking about all day? This counterintuitive, isn't it? Yep. It's one of the most self ish things we can do is to neglect ourselves. Because that's where our mind is. We're thinking about how we're hungry. We're thinking about how we don't have this.
Kelsey
We're thinking we're worse we're not even noticing that and then we're just showing up with to our families as grumps
Denise
were so grumpy. Finally, I think you can take, there's two more tips I want to give you. Number one start saying to yourself, of course, of course. Of course I'm so human. Lord, how did you create me? What are my quirks? Where am I irreplaceable? I think you could also write a letter to yourself in adoration. That sort of, and it would start for me, it would be from the Lord Denise, this is what I see when I look at you, it would start with something like this, my precious chosen daughter, I love you so much you're so cherished. When I look at you, this is how I created you, this is what I see. And if you guys want to have a little cry, whoa, write yourself that note. And then I think at any moment, any moment, especially an adoration or your prayer. And here's the thing is I know so many women have very rigorous prayer routines. But I think one of the best things that we can do is to just sit there all cozy. And say, Lord, what do you need me to know? What do you need me to know about me about this journey? What do you need me to know? And you're gonna start thinking about your whole laundry list? What do you need me to know about me? It's so old after ball to say that. But he's got stuff to tell you. And you know, that's true, because you're feeling it right now, everybody. If you're listening to this, and you're thinking, wow, I really need that work. You're gonna know whether it's the Lord's voice, or your own you because you're going to feel peace in your heart. And this how you know, it's the Lord and no mistake that you're hearing this. He wants you to know how precious and loved and cherished you are. And to start treating yourself that way. I know it gave you some practical tips so you can start that journey. Denise, thank you so much for all of these tips today. And for being here. I just want to because we have about a minute left. I want to make sure that people know where they can find you. Yeah, so I work primarily with women who are looking to lose weight and stuck in emotional eating. So I teach women how to get to and maintain healthy weight for the rest of their lives without dieting, so they teach them how to eat the foods they love. And you can reach me at turn to God not food.com
